Friendships have the ebullient, recharging, tinkling essence of a fountain. They make us feel better. It’s as simple as that. Why is it not so simple to find them when the Barbies and beach balls of youth are replaced by the briefcases and baby bottles of adulthood?

Shelley McGonnigal of Portsmouth discovered moving to a new city is a major factor. With her nucleus of friends from college now far away, McGonnigal sought to find a new circle when she moved here. “The first year was very difficult; I felt frustrated and lonely,” McGonnigal says. She realized forming friendships later in life doesn’t happen with the ease of childhood. Have women of other generations encountered these obstacles?

“Not really,” say several books on women friendships. It seems moms of yesteryear drew upon deep-rooted friendships to share a predictable timeline — school, marriage, children, an empty nest and retirement years.

Millie Markey is a prime example. This lively 87-year-old resident of Portsmouth recently honored the passing of her friend, Lois Van Bubar, whom she had known for 82 years. “We did everything together,” Markey explains. “We raised children, worked at the same place, played bridge, and argued politics. Lois was the first person I called with both good and bad news,” says Markey, blue eyes misting in remembrance. The interval and intimacy of her special relationship seems improbable to many of us.

Our paths in the 21st century no longer follow neat parallel tracks. Marla Paul, author of “The Friendship Crisis,” writes, “Our lives shift, veer off onto new paths, and old companions fall away. We have babies at wildly different ages or not at all. Our work lives often ricochet from a communal office to a home-based business and back again. We dip in and out of retirement.”

Is it any wonder women like McGonnigal are having trouble?

Why are friends so important?

Are friends really worth it? Who can sandwich them into our frantic lives? Paul cites research findings suggesting friends are in fact, powerful protectors of our health. She writes, “talking to another woman about a problem is like falling into a bed of pillows.” It’s essential to our well being. Think about the number of times you’ve vented your frustration to a sympathetic chum and unknowingly your shoulders relax, the throb in your temples recedes, and your heart rate returns to normal. In spite of time scarcity, friends are the stress outlet we all deeply need.

McGonnigal cites another reason: “Friendships are integral to women’s personal development and maturation”. She believes it’s our “out loud thinking” that differentiates us. Women speak of what’s in their hearts — navigating the mysterious labyrinth of womanhood, testing their “normalcy,” and making meaning of life — through the nurturing receptivity of friends.

Without friends, burdens seem greater and joys diminished; it’s a palpable void. That’s why McGonnigal was persistent in her search.

How do you find a gang of your own?

“Friends are a renewable resource, thank heavens,” writes Paul. And finding dear ones takes some planning and a boatload of patience. McGonnigal put it succinctly, “You need a strategy. You have to shop for girlfriends.” She adds, “In many ways, it’s like dating; you’re looking for that spark, a connection, but you can’t appear needy. No one likes a needy person; it scares them away.”

Lois, left and Millie, friends at all stages of life. Courtesy photo

Knowing where to look is also important. Begin by asking yourself, “What do I like to do?” Is it knitting? Reading? Swimming? Attending cultural events? If there’s a group out there doing it, take the leap! If not, form your own.

Creating a community isn’t as scary as it sounds. Start with the attitude that there are many women out there who’ll be interested; your job is simply to find them. Create a breezy posting for church halls or local grocery stores. Invite women you’ve already met. Always choose a safe, public place as your first meeting place.

Allow the group’s mission to expand and contract organically. What starts as a book club may morph into volunteering at a local shelter. And not everyone will remain. In order to save the group, you may have to ask someone to leave. The bald truth is not everyone belongs together.

Shelley McGonnigal’s efforts paid off, as she recalls, “I finally found a place for myself.” In seeking your gang, be flexible to accommodate the busyness in each woman’s life; be understanding of varying social appetites; and be honest about what matters in the friendship. Finally, be philosophical: Don’t hold on to the relationship if the other person senses it’s time to move on. Honor her changing needs just as you do yours.

Three coins in the fountain

For those longing to find new friends, you’re not alone. Toss your coin in the fountain and seek the happiness of friendship. Millie Markey voices her wish for all of us: “I’d like every girl to have had a friend like my Lois.”

Millie, we all do too.

How to feed a friendship

An excerpt from “The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making and Keeping Friends When You’re Not A Kid Anymore,” by Marla Paul.

1. Pay attention to significant events

2. Exercise your dialing finger

3. Crack open your date book; friends require commitment

4. Raise a flute of champagne to cheer victories

5. Rain compliments; we don’t get enough of them

6. Show up for happy and sad events

7. Light some birthday candles

8. If something is really important to you, say so.

9. Gift rap — deliver impromptu thought-gifts

10. Return calls and e-mails promptly

11. Make peace with imperfection

12. Roll up your sleeves in a crisis

13. Practice artful listening.

The Friendship Fountain

Finding confidantes today is more difficult than generations past, but equally important

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